Active Awareness Meditation Studio

I want to speak a little bit about a concept known as deprogramming. This is a phrase you hear often in connection to those who have been excommunicated from a particular branch of belief. It has also been used in a very forceful way against those who have entered New Religious Movements, often times where a person is abducted and put through a resocialization process until they agree to leave their group. Now there is a whole world of things that are fascinating and horrifying about that concept but I will leave that for another article. I would like to use this space to talk at length about a mental technique which I find to be quite valuable when one finds themselves having left an unhealthy situation. As some of you may be aware, I was previously a member of a cult. This experience influenced many facets of my thoughts and systems of belief. But I am not here to tell you gooey details of a very interesting period of my life, those truly are a story for another time. I am here to speak about a method which helped me begin to sort through the nonsense of someone elses paradigms and assisted me in the reconstruction of my own views. The wonderful thing about these methods is their usefulness is a wide variety of situations.This is a mental exercise of decluttering and organizing which can be used for anything from a break up, shifting your attitude toward a work situation, or even just a yearly practice of internal house keeping. So for the purposes of this piece we define deprogramming as a mental exercise to first identify thoughts and practices which no longer serve the individual on their journey toward a productive existence and second to find practices which serve the best version of you.

Step one: Deconstruct

The deconstruction of our thoughts can be a very positive and liberating exercise. And you do not have to be running away from an oppressive dogma to find benefit from the practice of beginning to take notice of how our thoughts and behavior serve us. No matter who we are from, whatever place our experience has taken us, eventually we will find that we are carrying around thoughts, beliefs and assumptions that do not serve us in our quest for higher understanding. This may manifest after a romantic interaction comes to a close and your find yourself thinking that other person’s thoughts, or hearing their commentary in your mind, even though those ideas do not resonate with you. Or perhaps you have recently found yourself in a new city with no close friends after moving away from your college town for a job opportunity, you may find that there are modes of thinking which are holding you back in some way. Or like myself, maybe one day you leave an organization which was becoming destructive and you feel lost suddenly without that reaffirming and charismatic leader to tell you what to think or who you are in the cosmic scheme of things. My suggestion is to always begin small and work your way up. Begin in a quiet place for a set amount of time. Ten minutes a day would work perfectly as a starting point. I want you to use these ten minutes to examine what sort of thoughts come to your mind. As each thought arises mentally examine it in great detail, as though you are a jeweler inspecting a gem for flaws. Some questions you may ask yourself may be:

How does this belief affect my behavior?
Where did this belief originate?
How does this thought move me toward my ideal future?

Each time you run into an idea that is not contributing to the person you want to be, mentally set that belief to the side. And when that thought or pattern of behavior returns(and they often do) simply take a moment set it aside. You are not judging the behavior or yourself for having the thought, simply stopping the destructive thought as you notice it. Continue to practice this deconstruction in various situations. Do you notice a pattern when the thoughts seem to be particularly invasive? What are the most common ones you notice? Make time for chipping away at your thoughts each day, especially those you find particularly invasive. The bottom line here is this: If a paradigm is no longer useful to propelling you forward then lie it down. Even if you must do so a hundred times a day, each time you notice the thought pattern sneaking in to shift your behavior, stop for a moment and put it down.

Step Two: Rebuild

As you become more comfortable with the deconstruction exercise, then comes the process of finding ideas which serve you best. I find this section particularly exciting! Your mindset is always in flux and by bringing awareness to the parts which are not functioning the most efficiently, or simply harbor an old world thinking pattern we wish to re-frame, we allow for growth. With these exercises I found it helpful to imagine I was taking apart a large structure I have built over time with my thoughts. And in the reconstruction stage I liked to think of it as building of book shelf. As you become used to placing your unhelpful thoughts in time out, spend some time thinking about what sort of thoughts would best serve your ideal self. Think of this as the skeleton or frame of your bookshelf. When you are in the process of rebuilding take some time to observe those who have a positive influence on your life. Observe those people who you perceive to be successful, read biographies, or if you are up for an adventure; go to a public place and observe the strangers you encounter. What are some of the characteristics of successful people? Describe the behavior and mannerisms of different types of people: happy, powerful, etc. And most importantly I want you to ask yourself what sort of person your ideal self would be. What would that person act like? What does the ideal self enjoy doing? How does your life look different when you are operating in that mindset?

Step Three: Make a commitment to seeking and speaking truth.

The most important part of my transition out of the group had to do with finding a voice. There was a huge focus on keeping secrets and information being wielded as power. There were countless situations in which we were encouraged to never reveal to anyone, especially to people who were outside the group. So as I began the process of putting my head on straight again my first step was to find situations in which I could tell the story. There is something cathartic about telling a story. Build a practice of seeking out the truth and speaking about it. Within unhealthy situations it is common that we become used to keeping secrets or diluting truths. In this stage I found a profound curiosity has served me in my quest for truth. Find something that arouses your passions and follow the threads of that to the truth. And along the way as you gain understanding begin to vocalize little truths. Even if it is something as simple as answering a stranger who asks “How are you?”
Our tendency would be respond immediately “I am fine.” or something similar. But I encourage you to take a moment and consider what is actually true within your thoughts. Do you feel a bit sickly at that moment? Are you enthusiastic about something fantastic that happened at work? You do not have to tell your life story to a total stranger, but the exercise of examining what the truth is a fantastic beginning. A journal of your daily truths is a very helpful tool in this stage. I encourage you to find the opportunities to speak truths you are finding for practice. Keep in mind at this point, we have just deconstructed a system you found to be unhealthy so I caution you not to rush to rebuild another system. Allow the truth to be fluid for now.

Step Four:Observe your Language

Whenever a significant shift happens in our life we often begin to notice forms and patterns of language that do not serve us. This step goes very well with the previous commitment of seeking truth. Find that within yourself that is holding you back. Find the words that make you feel trapped or as though you are functioning withing old world paradigms. Some words to be aware of are:

Should

Ought to

Supposed to

Deserve

Must

Need

Consider these automatic phrases, what they mean and where they fit in to your previous world view. How do these words serve the current view you are seeking to build currently? What phrases or words could you use in their place to create more empowering interaction?

What now you ask? I have been working on the steps above, and i am not sure if i am doing everything right? What should i do now? Simply put: Give yourself a break.
Take each of these exercises slowly and deliberately, and do try to keep judgement of the self out. This is not a competition or a race, this is just you building a bookshelf. Create a strong frame to rest your shelves upon and over time your will find ideas which serve the person you want to be. I suspect this article will soon have a companion piece about the further steps and exercises i found useful during my journey. In the mean time I encourage you to continue to seek the truth within any situation and to find the voice learning to speak those truths.

“What other people think about me is none of my business.”

Seriously. It isn’t. This is one of my favorite phrases, something that usually elicits a laugh or two. But I think is it a fantastic thought. We spend vast amounts of time concerned and worrying about how we are perceived by those around us. Think about how you feel when you walk past a group of people and hear them laugh. Do you prickle in defense? Do you check to see if you put pants on this morning? Do you imagine yourself to be an intricate part of workplace gossip? Do you crave to know what was said about you in your absence? The thing is: No one is thinking about you nearly as much as you suspect they are. In all reality they are probably thinking about themselves. There is no posse of people quietly judging what shoes you are wearing or how you laugh. Most of the time the only person thinking about you is you. Now on one hand this may sound a bit callous. As though we are in a world of people who are, in the words of Chuck Palahniuk; “Just waiting for their turn to speak”. But think this is an incredibly liberating idea. How freeing! Pursuing that freedom is the inspiration for this article. Where does all this judgement and fear of being judged stem from? I wish to address one of the major mental blocks people often encounter in the process of developing the self: Assumptions. And to begin I would like to share one of the assumptions I struggle with regularly.

The word assumption is defined as taking something as truth, or alternatively to take something upon oneself. And that latter definition I think is particularly interesting. We take ideas upon yourself and carry them into the world out of habit or perhaps fear.  My assumption is as follows: I am constantly concerned that the strangers who come into my life assume that I am gay. When I meet new people I stress over how I am dressed, the words i choose, and my mannerisms until I am almost sick with anxiety. And on the rare occasion that someone inquires about my sexuality, I become instantly defensive and upset. This is, in short, ridiculous. When I recognize these thoughts happening I feel incredibly guilty. I feel as though by having that irrational fear I do a disservice to all the fantastic gay folks I love. Then come the thoughts of righteousness, I begin thinking about how open minded and non judgmental I am because of my thoughts on this subject. Again, ridiculous. I have just been judging other people as well as myself for an imagined fear of judgement. Suddenly it has become a judgement sundae with judgement sauce. The gay community faces legitimate encroachments on their civil liberties, and while attitudes are slowly shifting, there are countless acts of discrimination all around us, and I feel like a giant jerk for tangling my fear in the significant fears they have daily. All of this because I began telling myself a story, because I made an assumption about how people think. So what is there to do? How do we begin to challenge the assumptions we have built? How can we catch the mind in the process of constructing assumptions? I want to share some methods with you for beginning to recognize assumptions you have created and how to begin to shift your perspective to a more open place.

First, I want you to simply notice when you are implementing assumptions. Simply notice. Do not try to change what you are currently doing, simply bring you attention to the activity. Maybe you have locked your car while sitting in traffic when a busker wanders past with a cardboard sign. Or perhaps you have made a comment to your friends about how that person probably behaves in a certain way because of their race. Or maybe you have an assumption you have created about yourself and your means of behavior. No matter the situation, I simply want you to notice this occurring. Document the times you feel this assumption coming into your mind. By bringing the light of your perception to the moment we slowly begin to deconstruct the constructed notions we have. Perhaps take some notes about the situations in which you notice your assumptions coming to light. Do you notice a similar trend in the types of situations you are making the assumptions during?

Now after you have collected a few assumptions you walk around with on a daily basis I want you to find a quiet place and begin to center yourself. Set a timer for ten minutes for this activity. And I want you to begin to trace the threads of memory on those ideas you carry. Where did you first get that idea? Who suggested such a thing? What instances in your life have lead you to believe this? Take note of your thoughts during this exercise. What sort of things come to mind? Do you notice any sensations within your body as you are doing this? Do your cheeks flush with anger? Do you become tense in your spine and shoulders? Again simply notice these things occurring.

And finally in the last step of the assumption exercise I want you to ask yourself these questions: Does that belief serve the best person I can be? Does that idea propel me forward? Does the highest version of myself use these ideas to make the world a better place? I encourage you to think more about your assumptions, beliefs and convictions. Not all of the ideas we use to function in our everyday routine are healthy. Active Awareness is committed to shining a light on these mental blocks and helping you most past them into the realm of excellence. It is a practice to begin taking apart the assumptions we have built for ourselves, and it is unlikely that we will drop it like it’s hot, so to speak. We must be committed to the practice of liberating the mind from modes of thinking that no longer serve us. We all have stories we have crafted about other people, about how the world works, about ourselves. We all live in the realm of assumptions, but it is entirely possible to lie down those heavy ideas and walk forward in freedom.

There is a thought I have been mulling over about romantic relationships as well as what sort of audience I would like to reach with this site. How can we create the relationships we desire? We all know people in clearly unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships, what are the things they are doing that make them dysfunctional? And conversely when we look at an example of a healthy relationship, what are they doing to continue their success? I believe the secret to successful interpersonal relationships has to do with actively creating the interaction together. In this article I would like to take you on an adventure of consciousness, and give you some activities to try with your partner. These do not have to be done with a romantic partner by any means. Anyone who is willing to take a moment to practice raising their awareness in their interaction with you is a perfect participant for these exercises.

Often people express their displeasure with their relationships to me. And I notice a few recurring themes: Boredom,  resentment, distrust, immature communication. incongruities in the verbal vs. behavior and jealousy, to name a few. I find that often people are not mindful of the types of interactions they want to have with others, and have a laissez faire sort of approach to the relationships that are formed. And while spontaneous connections with incredible people who mirror your goals and values do happen I find people surround themselves with people they are close to in proximity more than similar interests or ideals. I theorize that the trouble begins at the inception of an interaction, this sort of falling into the company of whatever rift raft happens to be around. An example being those who take people home from the bar and then seem shocked that the person drinks heavily and enjoys an active social life picking up people in bars. That would be akin to bringing an opossum home and lamenting that he does not act like a cat. It is ludicrous to ask an opossum to behave like a cat, he cannot be other than what he is. By and large people seem to like those who express interest in them, and begin spending large amounts of time with the interested parties because “Why not?” This is a very passive way to interact I believe, and I think will often lead to incongruity in your own behavior down the line. Consider this; if we are not the master of our choices, if we do not make them consciously, then who is responsible for the places we end up in life?

I know several very clever people who were with romantic partners that seemed highly in-congruent with their lifestyles, which was often a source of discord between these couples. A highly motivated woman with a high paying job was dating a man who was chronically unemployed, and a man with strict ideas about monogamy repeatedly returned to a partner that was unfaithful and openly expressed their disinterest in settling down, are two prime examples. When I inquired what common ground they had with their partner and what sort of interaction they were hoping to achieve together, in both cases these people looked at me as though I had sprouted a third eye.

“Well I mean…I don’t know. We just kind of hang out, I guess we haven’t really talked about that.”

“I am afraid to have that conversation. What if we are not that serious?”

Their answers baffled me. Both of these couples had been together for years, it seemed very odd they would not have discussed their goals together. The idea of having such a conversation seemed to horrify both parties, as though discussing this would highlight the incompatibility. Taken a step further, when I inquire why they are spending their time with these people, what drew them together, and how they met their partner, I received an interesting answer.

“They hung around the same people I did.”

Or “He was at a party and he said he was interested in me. I didn’t have anything else going on so…”

In these answers not only do I perceive a lack of energy I see a lack of enthusiasm. I hypothesize this goes with the flow, devil may care attitude is actually victim mentality in disguise. I wonder if perhaps seeing the word through the lens of a victim, allows a certain freedom to blame others for the occurrences. This sort of thinking is categorized by the sentiment that everyone they have dated is an asshole, or all their previous romantic partners were crazy. By not taking responsibility for your own choices in company you allow yourself to be flotsam washed up on the shores of your own life through no fault of your own. And i think that is a load of malarkey.  I do not think that physical proximity and someone expressing interest is a good enough reason to become involved with another human. Through our choices we carve out a future for ourselves. If you are not actively participating in those choices what sort of life would you expect to live in? One in which you feel powerless? One in which we feel like you float on tides of events that just happen to you? I encourage you to put on the brakes, and stop seeing yourself as a victim. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, are not something that just happen. We must treat them like any other area in which we desire success. So how do you bring the process of cocreation in the interactions with those around you? A great place to begin would be by sharing the idea of co created relationships with your partner. Express a desire to try the ideas on for size. Share this piece of writing with them, or summarize the idea in your own words. But I find the results to be most productive if both parties are aware and actively participating.

Exercise One: Intention

The practice of setting your intention is a powerful goal setting tool. It is akin to meditation in that you are seeking to quiet the chatter of the mind for a moment to find clarity. In this exercise you are trying to build a cohesive statement for your intention of an interaction with another person. Find a quiet space to think about your intention within the context of the interaction. You may want to write these things down, or simply have some moments of meditation over the ideas. Whatever your method, take this moment seriously. Examine the thoughts that come to you, and then share them with your partner. Some questions you might ask yourself may be something like the following: What kind of interaction do you have with this person currently? What sort of interaction would you like to have moving forward? In what ways is this interaction successful? In what areas does the interaction need improvement? What are your expectations in this interaction?

Exercise Two: Observation

Set a timer for two minutes and sit facing your partner. During this two minute period I want you to maintain eye contact with the other person. For the first two minutes one person is going to describe the observations they have about your interaction. At the end of the two minute period the other partner will do the same. The catch is while one person is speaking the other partner is to remain silent. Your jobs as the silent partner is to listen and absorb as much as you can, and your role as the speaker to convey your perspective as clearly as you are able. How did that feel? Which was easier for you, speaking or listening? After the time is over I want you to spend a moment trying to look at your relationship from an objective perspective. Pretend if you like, that you do not know the intricacies of all the moments you have shared together. Try to observe yourself from a third person perspective if only for a few moments. Perhaps make notes at this stage of the process if that helps you. What does your mental state feel like when you encounter this person? What physical sensations do you notice when preparing to encounter this person? These thoughts are not something you have to share with your partner, although it is certainly an interesting point of conversation if you so desire. This is something that can be done with an existing interaction, or with new people you meet.Feel free to continue these practices with your partner or with new people. I have found there are new things to discover about your partner at various times, and these are a great place to begin a dialogue. Brainstorm ways in which you can be fully present in your interactions with each other, even if it is only for ten minutes at a time. Carve out time to craft your interactions.

I encourage you to take an active role in your interactions with those around you, be present in the moments, and actively participate. I imagine you will begin to notice a change in the texture of these encounters, in how you communicate and respond as well as how you approach changes in your relationship. A quick word about expectations before moving forward, it is important to introspect and investigate your inner values, and ask yourself if someone existing in a different frame of mind upsets your expectations. However herein lies the dangers of expectations. There is nothing at all wrong with having wants and desires in a relationships, but it is quite detrimental to hang your personal expectations on another person as though they are a coat rack. Without clear communication and honesty one party is bound to feel resentful, and begin throwing of the weight of your expectation coats. I want to caution you here about expectations. They belong totally to you, they are your thoughts. Just because you have them does not mean your partner is responsible for upholding them. Keep in mind the purpose of this is accepting responsibility for your own emotional state. Remember, you are the one steering your own life.